Remember spending hours as a child singing into a fan? Still awesome.

Starbucks is more expensive than Happy Hour, and that boss dude, is why there is liquor in my coffee.

I'm NEVER having surprise butt sex again. I really, really hope.

On a scale of 1 to intoxicated, I'm peeing on a plastic plant.

Writing my Mom a birthday card. What rhymes with genitals?

About to watch New Moon. This is the lamest suicide note ever.

Using cheese string for shoe laces was a horrible idea but hey sneaker nachos.

Fuck Skittles. If I want to taste the rainbow I'll drop acid and rent Avatar.

My anti-drug: my empty wallet.

I have little patience for drunk people. Unless I'm peeing on a statue, because that's just fucking hilarious.

Doughnuts: edible sex toys for men.

Boobs and bacon are Twitter's currency. Between my barely a B cup and battle with vegetarianism, I've got nothing.

Job search is drying up. Looking into professional modeling. Sorry, yodeling.

Apparently, Best Buy sells neither coffee nor life size male sex dolls, making me seriously question "Best."

Ok so, New York is nothing like Sex & the City.

A girl I just passed gave me the "my legs are skinnier than yours" look, which is cool w/ me because I've definitely gottn to eat more cake.

It's amazing what a padded bra can do to boost morale.

If you didn't want me to wear asschaps, you should have specified casual for what business.

I'm going to kill Carly Simon.

I find that after the first beer, my standards drop considerably. Anyways, onto lighter fluid and hobo sex.