kicked my purse over and about 10 lighters fell out.

new boss: "do you smoke?"

me: "no, just a really big fan of power ballads."

the vegans are eating up all of my food's food. we must stop them.

all I need is love. all I want is sex. all I have is porn.

Man, between blow & coffee, the Colombians have sure cornered the market on waking the world up. Delicious.

I'm a mom, so I always have baby wipes in my purse. I'm also kind of a whore, so I've got anal beads in there, too.

I fuck like a desperate fat chick because I'm a desperate fat chick.

Dude. I'm not drinking on the job. I'm vomiting on the job because I drank on the way here. Big difference.

I hate it when I think of tweets in the shower & rush to get finished. Unrelated: I think I just shaved off my clit.

I bet the light at the end of the tunnel is just another vagina we're being pushed out of into our next life.

I'm going to glue some of those googly eyes on your balls so I have something to entertain me when you're facefucking me.

the kid just ran past me wearing a hardhat & holding a screwdriver. at least someone's getting shit done around here.

I think my neighbor just saw me pee in the kitchen sink. Again.

let's get drunk, go to the mall and judge people.

you have a lovely ass.
I mean house.
asshouse.
fuck, I love your couch.
can I rub myself on your couch?

-why I don't get invited anywhere.

I wake up, roll over, smile, and lovingly caress my phone. Mmm, good morning, lover.

I saw an upside-down picture of One Direction and thought it was the Golden Girls.

just because I'm in touch with my sexuality doesn't mean I'm a slut.

I started a savings account just for bail money.

once a month, a woman will turn into a psycho bitch. it lasts about 30 days.

I'm so afraid to lose you and you're not even mine.