If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

And stop calling my mom fat. She's got enough on her plate as it is.

Arrived home and there were a couple of lesbians going at it in the stairwell. It's true. I witnessed the whole shebang.

I'm going to Hell. Anybody want anything?

Tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today. Prick wouldn't let me near it.

Imma let you finish Olympics, but the best mens downhill of all time was Tiger Woods.

Hate. It's a powerful word. We use it to rate that which threatens our values, our beliefs, our way of life.
Anyway, totally hate broccoli.

I am finally at total at peace with myself.
Who I am.
What I am.
Where I am.
And then the wife goes and moves the fucking coffee table.

Doing the old 'how many women have I slept with' count. God I hate fractions.

Just sitting around having some pre-hangover drinks.

And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

Came home and my wife was having sex with some guy in our bed. I confronted her, she denied everything, but I know our bed when I see it.

I'm eating my dinner outside and if she doesn't like it she can bloody well unlock the door and let me back in.

BP has contained the oil spill. To just a single planet.

I'm not happy.
You're not happy.
Why are we still together, officer?

This taxi is driving me to drink.

There are times my wife thinks I'm a complete idiot. Then there are times she's asleep.

I used to be a great fan of the after work drink.
Until I discovered the pre work drink.

Unless you live right beside one, a convenience store isn't really.

Don't play with fire. It never throws the ball back.