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Yup. Don't care
Sears guy said he'll be here at 8:45... I have time to travel the world and come back, right?
I got you a turtleneck for your big head
That customer service woman should have paid me for that therapy session, I helped her more than she helped me
So why hasn't someone opened a place where you could go and dive in a pool of marshmallows?
Your trust hangs from a loose piece of thread on my favorite sweater
What have we become?
SUPER BOWL! Haha, just kidding, I have a test tomorrow
So when do those 3 cups of coffee kick in?
It's like candy companies choose the worst flavor and fill most of the bag with it!
Your past has nothing new to say
I don't think I've ever given anyone my undivided attention
Skills: Sarcastically massaging egos
No matter how many times I fall, I still feel the need to balance a chair on two legs everyt time I sit
Mom on Instagram: I want to share this picture but it won't let me
And it's tough to face, the fact that some of our questions we will never have an answer to
One time, I had a joke in real life and I ended up laughing so hard I couldn't tell it. MOM, DON'T CLICK TWEETS IT MIGHT CAUSE A VIRUS.