My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that's not my waiter.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Taylor Swift is so adorable but I just wanna shake her and be like "Blow jobs! Then they'll stop dumping you! Now sing about equal rights."

When I want your opinion I'll unwrap my legs from behind your head and leave the room so you can call your mom and tell her.

If I ever wake up and don't feel a boner in my butthole then this relationship is over.

If I were a vampire I'd watch all the YouTube. It's not wasting time if you live forever.

Trying to train my boyfriend to pose with me in pics so I look skinny and he looks like a rich Jewish doctor. Facebook is so competitive!

If my boss doesn't say "See you tomorrow!" I just think I was fired and don't come back. I've had 2,456 jobs.

If my boobs hurt my first thought is that I'm maybe pregnant and my second thought is that I maybe closed them in the oven door again.

I just used the sentence "Yeah that smoothie was mad yum yums, yo" and my skin actually lightened a shade.

'Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses' said my Grandpa to me. I make A's in school, but I got some D's WHERE IT COUNTS, AMIRIGHT?

"Staycation" is another word for broke and taking a couple days off work.

I can't sing, so if we break up I won't write a song about you.

I'll just burn your house down.

#PerksOfDatingMe

Kanye will miss the birth because he will be running down the maternity halls telling the women their births aren't as good as Kim's.

I have this awesome trick I do where if I don't know what I'm talking about I shut the fuck up. I can teach you if you want.

I have songs in my music library that I've skipped on shuffle for 10 years. I keep them to remind myself that I used to think I was black.

Hey mom, I went blind because my boyfriend eats too much tabasco and I try too hard to be Sasha Grey.

I can legally do sex stuff to someone who was born in 1994.

LEGALLY!!

Mind blown.

You'll give me shit about not having a rescue dog but you'll poop out 3 unplanned kids? My purebred will serve the world better, I promise.

Just had my first lesbian experience at work: peed at the same time as my co-worker. And yeah, I do feel different.