Twitter. Where the invisible people in your phone are more supportive and encouraging than 99% of the cockbags in your real life.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator

Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

My twitter crush is a homeless guy using a library computer in Mobile, Alabama

The force is weak as shit with this one

There's nothing quite like a heart pounding sexual encounter with a new partner...

In an abandoned warehouse...

On camera..

At gunpoint

Skipping the shower. Going directly to liquor store. Not collecting $200.

I fart on the first date.

You useless bastards better start making with the funny and quit your goddamn bickering. If not, I start posting recipes and Bible quotes.

When I get an orgasm, you'll get a sandwich. Deal?

I hope you only get retweeted by those with under a 1,000 followers for the rest of your Twitter life, you unappreciative, miserable fuckbag

Hey guys. We destroyed our nice tits and tight abs to carry on your bloodline. Howbout a little fucking gratitude!

Letting the 2 year old watch Adult Swim to fall asleep because fuck you, Dora. Fuck you so hard.

I just licked my phone and wiped it on my boob, because I'm classy like that.

Body says "Go the fuck to sleep already!" Brain says "Fuck it. Read more tweets and just be a sleep deprived cuntbag to everyone tomorrow."

Elitist douchemongrel cocksuckers. If someone likes what you tweet enought to share it with ONE follower, you should be fucking grateful.

I'd love to see the girl from the T-Mobile commercials get brutally face fucked

I could fall asleep in 3 minutes if I would just put this goddamn phone down

"Shake yo' ass, but waaaaatch yo' self!" -No, seriously, be careful. The floor's wet over there.

Twitter is one big RPG, and your follower count equals your hit points, right?