My wife ordering pizza online: "Do I put the tip in first or wait till after he comes?"

I walk around shirtless around my kids just to show them what happens when you eat too much

My kids new thing is locking themselves in their rooms. I can now stop locking myself in mine.

When your favorite people don't tweet for a while it's like growing up when your friends were grounded.

Do you think Sloppy Joe's mom called him Untidy Joseph when she was mad?

My phone just died! And it's true, your life does flash before your eyes.

Scented trash bags are awesome! Until you put trash in them.

We don't believe in using TV to babysit our kids. That's so 10 years ago. We use a Kindle Fire

I'm a little out of touch with reality. Is Charlie Sheen still winning or did he finally lose?

Only reason I look forward to Mondays is to see if my boss died over the weekend

You think you had a rough day?! I lost an Oreo to drowning!!

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.-Everyone who isn't a serial killer

If there is ever a year for a president to change his mind on gay marriage, it's year 4.

Awesome shirt I saw: "Maybe someday your life will be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook!"

Someone said I have a puny twitter acct. Well fuck them cause I'd rather have all of you over 10,000 mindless cunts

I went to Facebook for 1 minute then realized why I stopped going there. It's not funny, it's just sad.

Made the mistake of telling someone to bite me. Turns out they were a zombie.

If I killed the person who cockblocks me the most, It'd be considered suicide.

If your bio says follow back, you deserve 0 followers. I'm converted because friends don't let friends use follow back

I will see your newspaper blanket and raise you a paper bag bottle Whiskey!-Hobo Poker