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If a girl doesn't return your calls, messages, TXTs, emails, or DMs, there's probably something wrong with her iPhone. Go to her house.
Atheists, kindly stop forcing your beliefs about how religious people should stop forcing their beliefs down our throats down our throats.
Wife's mad at me. Looks like I picked the wrong time of the month to do all the same things I do throughout the rest of the month.
So many ladies on Twitter complain they are lonely, but so few of them tweet their residential address.
Dear OCD sufferers, your toes are different lengths.
If you tweet links to photos that require me to log into Facebook before I can view them, you don't really get what it is we are doing here.
If you breakup with someone via DM, make sure it is exactly 140 characters, so they know how much effort you put into it.
Dear people with just 2 followers that RT me, I still think that is totally awesome. Thank you.
Okay, I have a laser pointer. Now all I need is 200 cats with small harnesses attached and my car of the future is ready.
“It’s 9am to 5pm, somewhere.” - workaholics.
You had me at leaving your drink momentarily unattended.
Husbands: "If we had sex 3-4 times a week, there'd be no problems."
Wives: "If we had no problems, there'd be sex 3-4 times a week."
Wild horses could drag me away from you. Probably regular horses, too... and most ponies. Seriously, I have very little upper body strength.
Snowtown Patrol #AdelaideBandNames
My house isn't dirty, it's "Instagrammed".
I'm arachnophobic but I'm not about to tell two spiders that clearly love each other that they can't get married.
The worst thing about having OCD and ADD is LET'S WASH BIKES!
Dear racists, where do you stand on the whole "mixed tape" thing?
"Should be right... about... NOW!
- Harold Camping #Rapture
I am reminded how famous I have become whenever I meet old friends and they ask if I am still doing standup comedy.