A note to teenagers: You don't know a single fucking thing about anything. End of note.

I normally keep my eyes closed when I kiss a woman. It helps to keep the pepper spray out.

Don't show me your tits - I have seen tits before. Show me your mind. Thoughful and enquiring minds are rarer.

Whenever I start to feel spontaneous - my bank account tells me to calm the fuck down.

'Are you nervous?' 'Yes.' 'First time?' 'No, I've been nervous before.'

I read recently that the oldest man in the world has died. Why does this keep happening?

You've probably been told to simply 'be yourself'. In some cases this is extraordinarily poor advice.

I'm not sure if hot women follow me for my looks or my brilliant tweets - modesty prevents me from saying 'both'.

I will admit that I'm no rocket surgeon.

A youth mugged me with a bat yesterday. (Actually, I couldn't help being a bit impressed - bats are notoriously difficult to train.)

If anyone says again it's the 12/12/12 which only happens once in a lifetime I'll scream. All dates only happen once, That's how time works.

The gene pool some people crawled out of needs a pint of chlorine poured into it

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk the same way.

A man without religon is like a fish without a bicycle

WARNING: If you see ads offering a trailer for the new Vin Diesel movie, DO NOT CLICK! They lead to a trailer for the new Vin Diesel movie.

Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get in a car and fuck off.

I just tried to follow someone but it says PENDING. They must be really important and in charge of nuclear launch codes. Or a twat.

You had me at 'I've called the police - don't come any closer.'

Traces of sea-horse DNA found in fish fingers. Where will it end?

Men - please take note.  http://twitpic.com/bzxsfq