Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

You can’t spell "manslaughter" without "laughter". You also can’t spell "schadenfreude" without spell check.

"Have you seen my denim jacket?"
"No. But it's ok, I just checked the weather & it's not going to be in the 1980's today."

My Droid autocorrects "I'm" to "Shaq", so I send texts like "Shaq hungry". Which is probably what it's like to get a text from Shaq himself.

Why does my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning? I think that pretty much goes without saying.

I was gonna get my boyfriend an iPad for his b-day, but those things are pricey. I ended up getting him a magnifying glass for his iPhone.

I'm pretty sure Mensa hands out bumper stickers as a test. If you put it on your car, you fail.

When I'm waiting for an elevator and someone pushes the already lit button, I like to say "Thank God you arrived! I've been here for days!"

Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

I hope next year they make Hurt Locker 2: Lady Hurt Locker.

There is no food in this house. All that's left are ingredients.

Wearing makeup can make you prettier on the outside, but it isn't going to help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

Dear Keebler elves, 100 calorie packs of cookies suck. I hope your tree burns down.

I've been having a hard time getting up in the morning, so I googled possible causes. Now I'm worried I might have Erectile Dysfunction.

My GPS announces "You have arrived" when I get to my office. That's right, GPS. I'm somebody now. Sittin' in my cubicle. Livin' the dream.

You can't make me get up, you're not the *real* 6:45! The real 6:45 has dinner!

These beer cans are supposed to change when they're drinkable, but I think mine are defective, after 2 hours they still say Coors Light.

My Captain Crunch got soggy, and it made me think of how fragile life really is.

If your Realtor tells you they'd like to see your unit tomorrow, then they start giggling uncontrollably- your Realtor may be me.