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Thank God it's more important to be good at Life, the board game, than it is to be good at actual life.
I'm filled with hate. And cheddar jalapeño Cheetos.
I wonder if my dog ever watches me in the middle of the night jealous as fuck that I'm sound asleep? #bitch
Who are you looking for?
I miss Ross Perot.
Do southern hemisphere dogs do the whole "circle 3 times before lying down" routine in the opposite direction of northern hemisphere dogs?
Like the waves in the sea
You won't never catch me
I crash on your shore
Then I'm gone
If only the suspense could kill me now.
Don't judge. Unless you're a judge. Or someone is a complete fucking tool. Or extremely annoying. Or mildly annoying. Or alive. Or dead.
Lobotomy. When you just don't have time to wait for the dementia to kick in.
Unconscious pill? Yes please.
The day after tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life.
The # of times my dog circles before lying down is inversely proportional to the # of seconds it takes me to call her to me for no reason.
I might be less out of my mind if you were less in my mind.
My DVR is overflowing with old, broken, and useless episodes of Hoarding which I can't bring myself to delete. And cat feces.
Does this alcohol make my liver look big?