I don't know if exercising is really helping me, because I just eat twice as much food, but I'm okay with that because TWICE AS MUCH FOOD.

Mom: Hurry up, Jordan. You gotta go to bed at 10.
Jordan: Oh, I've got plenty of time. It's only 9.
Mom: 9 what?
J: 9:54.
#nicetrythough

I've decided to look up cool words, and tweet their definitions daily. Because I know how much you already don't want to be my friend.

You don't know what bed hair is, until you've been me. I woke up in a cocoon of myself and couldn't breathe for a second.

That awkward moment when you want to retweet someone, then you realize you've been on their timeline for an hour and the tweet is from 2009.

@askauntieem1 I'm not in the SD area, but I'll be praying for you. I hope your son turns up, and everything is well with him.

Baseball is nice. I ate nachos and just enjoyed myself. Perhaps I'll go to another game. That was pleasant.

“@eatingmeals: Is it bad that I'm super excited to go to the first showing of a movie because Ryan Gosling is in it” Not bad, expected.

So far, this day has lived up to its name. If I could get some Mexican food, it'll be closer to "Great Friday".

I'm in no mood to deal with school today.

“@savoirfail: Some call it procrastination. I call it gathering anxiety.” What is my life? It is this. This and only this.

I have way too much homework to be going to church tonight, but you know what? I do what I want. #INeedHimEveryday

"Why did the headless horseman never win a race?




He could never get ahead." -my baby brother. Getting him that joke book was a mistake.

I just saw a commercial for a competitive taxidermy show, and now I wonder why people want to visit the US. Go to Canada, people.

“@courtniss_: I don't usually go to bed angry, but when I do it's because my team lost.” Same.Now that football is over I sleep like a baby!

@assholevegan I don't think you realize this, but you just became my favorite person with this tweet alone.

I can't sleep, so I'm playing 'Llama or Duck' on my phone. I feel like this is new low, and I haven't even done anything wrong.

Tonight I'm going to go home and do my homework early, so I can enjoy the Westminster Dog Show, and I'm not even a lonely middle-aged man.

Happy Birthday to Oprah and Adam Lambert! You will probably never be in the same sentence ever again.

@matthew_jones13 I'm happy I could do that for you. I really only do it to make myself laugh. #selfishtruth