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Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
"And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
"As Texas faces an Ebola crisis, it needs the best scientific minds we got. Please welcome Rick Perry, who doesn't believe in evolution."
To the person who had to write this. Hang in there: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/14/cookies_n_4781774.html …
Venn diagram of people overreacting to Ebola with people already dying of obesity please.
Weird that LMFAO stands for "Literature, Music, Foie Gras And Opera."
"Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist." - God
Nascar fights. Is there anything funnier than two guys going at it covered in logos for Wheat Thins and Sunny D?
Genuinely wondering how the George Foreman naming all his kids George is going.
Accidentally bought my daughter a card that says "You are the only one I have ever loved." I have twins.
Now, only Scottie Pippen looks like Scottie Pippen. #binladenisdead
The Earth is just flicking the lights, saying "Let's go, people! Everyone out. Find another planet to fuck up."
"Crap, haven't Instagrammed in a while. Honey, light that candle and hand me that pear."
There are over a billion Tweets every 2 days. 4 of them are good.
"Can we switch the bar TV to NASCAR?" "No. The North won the war."
Writer, Conan on TBS; guy who puts pint glasses in the freezer.
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