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"And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
To the person who had to write this. Hang in there: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/14/cookies_n_4781774.html …
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
Weird that LMFAO stands for "Literature, Music, Foie Gras And Opera."
"Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist." - God
Genuinely wondering how the George Foreman naming all his kids George is going.
Accidentally bought my daughter a card that says "You are the only one I have ever loved." I have twins.
Now, only Scottie Pippen looks like Scottie Pippen. #binladenisdead
The Earth is just flicking the lights, saying "Let's go, people! Everyone out. Find another planet to fuck up."
"Crap, haven't Instagrammed in a while. Honey, light that candle and hand me that pear."
There are over a billion Tweets every 2 days. 4 of them are good.
"Can we switch the bar TV to NASCAR?" "No. The North won the war."
It's actually not God's wrath. It's the Earth's utter indifference to us.
Everywhere across America, men will get up in several hours, and put on the pants with the belt still in them from Friday.
I bet people who Google "Gambling Addiction" click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.
Facebook: "You have 11 friends with birthdays this week." Me: "No I don't."
It just hit me that Reese Witherspoon is a perfectly good name for a 1980s NBA power forward.
Writer, Conan on TBS; guy who puts pint glasses in the freezer.