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"And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.
Weird that LMFAO stands for "Literature, Music, Foie Gras And Opera."
"Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist." - God
Accidentally bought my daughter a card that says "You are the only one I have ever loved." I have twins.
Now, only Scottie Pippen looks like Scottie Pippen. #binladenisdead
The Earth is just flicking the lights, saying "Let's go, people! Everyone out. Find another planet to fuck up."
"Crap, haven't Instagrammed in a while. Honey, light that candle and hand me that pear."
Everywhere across America, men will get up in several hours, and put on the pants with the belt still in them from Friday.
It's actually not God's wrath. It's the Earth's utter indifference to us.
I bet people who Google "Gambling Addiction" click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.
Facebook: "You have 11 friends with birthdays this week." Me: "No I don't."
It just hit me that Reese Witherspoon is a perfectly good name for a 1980s NBA power forward.
All local news anchors are the people in the pictures that came with the frames.
Just opened a Starburst two-pack. Both yellows. May head home.
If you want to know exactly what you look like, look at pics of yourself that you took on your phone but never sent to anyone.
That's enough screen time, Papa John's guy.
Writer, Conan on TBS; guy who puts pint glasses in the freezer.