When I was younger they made fun of me because I was different. I laugh at them now, because they are all the same.

The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumb ass put my cape on backwards"

If you love someone set them free. If they come back with the police, you might want to let the others go too.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...

Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often

Don't you hate it when you come into work and someone else already shot up the place?

The really sad part is, if you had told 14 year-old me that marriage meant I'd have sex once a month, I would have been thrilled

Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger, he asked. Yes, I am, she replied, I married the wrong man

Hell is where the police are German, mechanics are French, cooks are British, the lovers Swiss & it's all organized by Italians

Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organized by the Swiss

Retweet someone once, they will notice you, Retweet someone a few times they will remember you

What if birds aren’t really singing at all but screaming in horror because they're terrified of heights?

Darwinism is not working nearly fast enough

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

Maybe this world is another planet's hell

You know you're getting old when you sit on someone's face and you're just happy to be sitting down

And then Man said "I create You, God, for I am fearful and superstitious”

Because not once in all these years did even one of those ungrateful little bastards ask me what I wanted ~ Santa's suicide note