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*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
TRUMP: I got a big ol' dick
GOP: foul man! vulgar man!!
CRUZ: we need to carpet bomb with less regard for civilians
GOP: finally, an adult
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
me: Carly Rae Jepsen's new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
CLINTON: I call him "Double Donny" because you never know which position he's gonna take!
TRUMP: Hillary carried out the Black Dahlia murder
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu...bad."
reminder that one time we shoved whiskey and beef bouillon up a president's butt until he died http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/25/health/25garf.html?pagewanted=all … pic.twitter.com/JRkQYnIHio
Batman accidentally tweeting from his Bruce Wayne account
You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says "PRESS"* did you learn how they pee
if a baby boomer lectures you on college tuition it is ok to pour bedbugs down their chimney http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-08-15/cost-of-college-degree-in-u-s-soars-12-fold-chart-of-the-day.html … pic.twitter.com/HqZt1ZV5RC
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
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