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*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
me: Carly Rae Jepsen's new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu...bad."
Batman accidentally tweeting from his Bruce Wayne account
reminder that one time we shoved whiskey and beef bouillon up a president's butt until he died http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/25/health/25garf.html?pagewanted=all … pic.twitter.com/JRkQYnIHio
You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says "PRESS"* did you learn how they pee
if a baby boomer lectures you on college tuition it is ok to pour bedbugs down their chimney http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-08-15/cost-of-college-degree-in-u-s-soars-12-fold-chart-of-the-day.html … pic.twitter.com/HqZt1ZV5RC
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
"I OBJECT" "no, Counsel...you person." *emotional hug*
classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning
*blocks kick from henchman* "nice try scumbag" *ducks kiss from girl* "not in this life bub" *hangs up on calling mom* "too slow dirtball"
*backspaces on "SNL Attempts To Humanize Openly Racist Billionaire" headline*
"Donald Trump Danced To Hotline Bling And It Was Perfect"
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