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Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
SHE's an upright lawyer who plays it by the book. HE's a carefree guitarist who plays it by ear. But they're both *record scratch* assholes
"Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?"
8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
there's a piece of meat in your chest thats constantly taking in and shooting out blood and sometimes it has special feelings about people
it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the guns taped to the dogs head *batman voice* Alfred look what I did to the dog
"Mr Bush, do you want my coke?"
"Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*
Batman accidentally tweeting from his Bruce Wayne account
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu...bad."
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
Obama sobs as he signs Theres No More Ice Cream Act. "Its really all gone?!" he cries. Biden winks to crowd as he sneaks up w/ giant sundae
"I OBJECT" "no, Counsel...you person." *emotional hug*
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
"Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes*
"How can they find Kony," he wonders out loud as he skips pebbles across the lake, "when Kony has not even found himself"
*blocks kick from henchman* "nice try scumbag" *ducks kiss from girl* "not in this life bub" *hangs up on calling mom* "too slow dirtball"
Shy construction crew just blushing and kicking at the ground every time a lady walks by
hey girl did it hurt when u fell from heaven? got a vulnerable mortal form now? sacrifice dat immortality to be among man? well make it clap
You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says "PRESS"* did you learn how they pee
"But Jesus I counted three sets of footprints."
Jesus' eyes narrowed as he drew his pistol. "Son of a bitch found us." #NaNoWriMoOpeners
Freelance photographer for plus-sized cats clothing catalogue