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Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu...bad."
me: Carly Rae Jepsen's new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
Batman accidentally tweeting from his Bruce Wayne account
reminder that one time we shoved whiskey and beef bouillon up a president's butt until he died http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/25/health/25garf.html?pagewanted=all … pic.twitter.com/JRkQYnIHio
You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says "PRESS"* did you learn how they pee
if a baby boomer lectures you on college tuition it is ok to pour bedbugs down their chimney http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-08-15/cost-of-college-degree-in-u-s-soars-12-fold-chart-of-the-day.html … pic.twitter.com/HqZt1ZV5RC
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
"I OBJECT" "no, Counsel...you person." *emotional hug*
*blocks kick from henchman* "nice try scumbag" *ducks kiss from girl* "not in this life bub" *hangs up on calling mom* "too slow dirtball"
"come on out iphone 6" says Tim Cook to a tiny dog on stage. "This year it's just a dog." The crowd boos but it's a good dog and it's Tim's
if a cop asks if he can search your car its your right to reply "yeah on google maybe" before peeling out as he throws down his hat in anger
SUPREME COURT RULES BIDENCARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL; "JUST A RED LOBSTER KIDS PLACEMAT WITH THE MAZES FILLED IN" SAYS NATION'S HIGHEST COURT
VESSYL: You are drinking a beer. 93 calories
ME: Vessyl, lose 40 calories
*VESSYL leaks beer onto table*
TABYL: there is beer on the table
Founder, CEO of Hair d'Oeuvres™ Edible Shampoo
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