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Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
"Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?"
8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
SHE's an upright lawyer who plays it by the book. HE's a carefree guitarist who plays it by ear. But they're both *record scratch* assholes
hmm well I'd say I'm fiscally conservative but socially very liberal. the problems are bad but their causes...their causes are very good
there's a piece of meat in your chest thats constantly taking in and shooting out blood and sometimes it has special feelings about people
it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the guns taped to the dogs head *batman voice* Alfred look what I did to the dog
Batman accidentally tweeting from his Bruce Wayne account
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
Obama sobs as he signs Theres No More Ice Cream Act. "Its really all gone?!" he cries. Biden winks to crowd as he sneaks up w/ giant sundae
"Mr Bush, do you want my coke?"
"Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu...bad."
reminder that one time we shoved whiskey and beef bouillon up a president's butt until he died http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/25/health/25garf.html?pagewanted=all … pic.twitter.com/JRkQYnIHio
if a baby boomer lectures you on college tuition it is ok to pour bedbugs down their chimney http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-08-15/cost-of-college-degree-in-u-s-soars-12-fold-chart-of-the-day.html … pic.twitter.com/HqZt1ZV5RC
"I OBJECT" "no, Counsel...you person." *emotional hug*
"there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
Wow you changed your makeup in 16 different hot ways. And where did you learn those 8 moves that drove me wild *sees Cosmo on the table* ah
I leave...my entire estate and fortune...to...to...*struggles to put on Borat wig and mustache*
"Sir did you know you were going 35 in a 25 mph zone" *rookie partner pukes*
Freelance photographer for plus-sized cats clothing catalogue