I like my men like I like my bras. Supportive and the last thing to get off.

I hate parallel parking. I never know where the car is in the other universe.

A horse is a horse. Of course, of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is married to Matthew Broderick.

I was absolutely shocked to learn that people drink out of the bidets in the hallway at work.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Press your ear against any teenage boy's closed bedroom door.

I think someone has been skipping rocks in your gene pool.

I think it disturbed my neighbors to find blueprints of their house at my garage sale.

My neighbors act like they've never had a naked woman in a tree peeking in their bedroom window before. It's as if last week never happened.

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Fellatio." My efforts to produce Shakepearean porn are gonna take the world by storm.

Dental assistant: You're real good at talking with lots of stuff in your mouth. Me: <Looks out into Twitterland and winks>

Eating too much wasabi = my mouth writing checks that my ass can't cancel.

I'm betting that Chewbacca had to deal with a lot of dingleberries.

If someone in the military gets an STD, is that a dishonorable discharge?

Ahhh...spring. The time of year when the dog next door beelines straight for my female neighbor's crotch. I think he smells the mailman.

I'm almost certain that I have deviled eggs in my ovaries.

There should be one thing in each room that sparks conversation. In my guest bathroom, it's the box of latex gloves on the toilet tank.

I love going to the dentist because his cavity searches are amazing. We spoon afterwards, and he whispers in my ear about flossing.

I accidentally got in the shower with my glasses on. I'm starting to understand why some of you don't want HD porn.

I'm pretty sure that the best laid plans of mice and men involve cheese and lube.

I guess that's not what you had in mind when you asked me to mount the moose head.