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I dress conservatively and part my hair severely, so yes, I'll visit your grandma and pretend to be her prom date who died in the war.
Your 90s nostalgia will not slow the reaper's scythe.
"But I forgot to thank that barista who smiled at me! I forgot to thank the birds in the trees!" - Anne Hathaway in handcuffs backstage
Amazing TED Talk from Jodie Foster
I was thinking about how Satan tricks people by interpreting their wishes literally and suddenly realized that Satan is Amelia Bedelia.
It's rude to look at your friends when you're out to dinner with your phone.
Old man exhausted by world's fanciest game of make-believe.
The revolution will not be available on some devices.
When Princess Diana died, Elton John was so sad that he Weird-Al-ed a song about another dead lady.
It gets meilleur, Javert!
I understand Hamlet, because if my uncle murdered my father, I'd probably just make him watch my shitty one-act play about it.
Being gay is just belonging to a polytheistic religion that worships character actresses.
Where do straight people keep all their trophies for "knowing someone was gay all along"?
I'm not big on conspiracy theories, but don't you think it's strange that there's been no new Banksy art since Whitney Houston died?
The trick is always staying one social network ahead of your parents.
An important thing to remember about The Mary Tyler Moore Show is that Mary's wacky character trait is "wanting a career."
"But the person you marry has to be of the OPPOSITE sex" sounds like a rule from a bad board game.
At age 23, Monica Lewinsky was sexually involved with Bill Clinton. I'm 24 and I haven't even KISSED a sitting US President. :(
If you find yourself on a desert island, don't panic. You are almost certainly in a New Yorker cartoon.
Writer for The Mindy Project. Equal parts Brian Boitano & Elaine Stritch.