More like Dr. When, amirite? #hesatimelord

Alcoholism is just realizing you can cure hangovers with alcohol.

I'm drinking alone in public. #yolo

Home is where the domestic violence is.

I was literally masturbating when I found out Osama Bin Laden was dead. So, that's a weird life moment.

If I had a million dollars, I'd be middle class at best and wouldn't have a sustainable source of income at current interest rates. #yolo

I'm inventing an app called 420square. It's only used for checking in to Taco Bell.

Today's WSJ front page article about airline safety. Real safe if you're not on them. @mistermcaleer @trismac @usairways #3days #andcounting

The Rocketeer would have burned the fuck out of his legs right?

Do you think Doug Parker (CEO @usairways ) is on vacation with his wife Gwen and three children? Cause I'm not!

Unfollow these people. @badgeofshame @chase__chase @alicomedy @jamesgrosch @tommybechtold

NERDS: How do I hack the twitter API to automatically add #nailedit to all of my tweets? #nailedit

For the record, Four Loko makes you feel like a thousand bucks. That you earned the hard way.

Does this look infected? pic.twitter.com/vMQiOxgdqB

@csingel this is my favorite tweet of yours ever.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, is an unattainable location to be because rainbows develop relative to perspective.

Sometimes British comedy is like The Emperor's New Laugh Track.

Let's just let the robots take over so we can all drink on the beach.

If you Google my name you still get "is Chris Brown singel" so fuck you too, society.

In a future where cars can drive themselves, stunt drivers will just be terrified passengers. And NASCAR will still not be a sport.