I'm not playing hard to get, I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

I don't drink about you anymore.

In my defense, stupid decisions make awesome memories.

When I asked if you wanted breakfast in bed I meant pussy. I'm not fucking cooking.

No one ever said life was easy, but several people said you were.

A moment of silence for all the females who can't lick their own nipples.

Dont confuse being complex with being fucked up.

i watched my first porn film last night. wow, i looked so much younger back then.

The cat attacked my tampon string while I was getting dressed. I may need stitches.

Eat more bacon. Drink more beer. Have more sex.

you'll never be the man your mother is.

Behind every fucked up person, is a shitty ex that caused them to fall off the wagon and become a cynical drunken comedian.

So Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper pulled me up on stage and danced with me while dropping beats last night. Childhood fantasy- check.

This beautiful woman, whom has Alzheimer's is dancing with me in the kitchen to oldies. What we used to do when I was a kid. She remembers..

Just entered into a serious relationship. This time, with a flask of Crown.

I'm in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and 5.

7 years ago today, I married my ex-husband. Happy fucking anniversary, you stupid son of a bitch.

I'm not a pothead, I just kush a lot.

You truly don't get it do you? You poor motherfucker. You're going to miss everything cool and die angry.

You had me at "what is DTF?"