My cat is anxiously watching me through the patio window to see if I will favstar him for the bird he left as a present.

Part of the Navy Seal team were bomb-sniffing anti-knife dogs. If only I could get my dog to retrieve the nerf ball.

If I were a ninja I would steal every cupcake from every bakery. But then I'd be a dateless fat ninja so...

Insomnia jacked my cerebellum at 3am: I would now swear that Lohan is sober, that my red eyes are sexy, and that gnomes will fold my laundry

Twitter's like an insatiable, smart boyfriend -I must impress you with my wit, shave my legs, and hide you from my mom.

For raunchy jokes that make you want to say in a Seinfeld voice....Steellaaaa! FF# @stellartwot

Had a Long Island Iced Tea for old time's sake. Long Island citizens, I apologize for whatever I did to you to deserve this hangover.

I need some sort of Ph.d and a Navy Seal team to figure out how to get pants on my wiggly infant son.

Always interesting what tweets cause an unfollow-I wonder if some tweeps have difficulty sustaining intimacy or pull out too fast.

Will our future eulogies feature some of our tweets? There may be a few I have to delete. #ohcrap

Hmm lost a couple followers, better say "boooooooobs!"

Women who call women whores recycle centuries old insults by men, and they have limited sexual vision.

I baked a lasagna with an entire bottle of wine in the sauce, so I will now tweet in a drunk pseudo-Italian accent.

The California seniors who downed the pot brownies to cope at their elderly friend's funeral are my new heroes.

The word testicles is both unsexy and giggle worthy.

Congrats to the Beckhams-it's an amazing feat of biology when a sexpot football player and a stick can breed.

There's a fine line between tweeting the contents of your mental DNA and ponying up the cash for a therapist.

Kids are little cute, poopy ninjas who steal your heart, money and sanity.

Just complained about my food. Fearful the chef will now leave a penile present in my dessert.

Never get in line behind the alcoholic purchasing long weekend booze supplies.