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I never been blessed with the gift of an edible arrangement
George Bush repeatedly tries to crack a coconut on the side of a hot skillet "Laura, I told you not to buy the god damn hairy eggs anymore"
Do you think all cats are gay or just your cat?
can dead bodies get sunburned
Big shout out to William Shakespeare for writing that Baz Luhrmann movie.
Austin, TX: come see me at the @moontowercomedy fest, starting tonight! http://www.austintheatre.org/site/PageServer?pagename=moontower_artists&id=2692 …
Middle school is like prison except you didn't do anything wrong to end up there.
My parents got divorced at Woodstock.
How can people even tell pugs apart?
My mother called and I've been trying to hang up for an hour but there's no escape HELP THIS IS THE IKEA OF PHONE CALLS
"Actually I'm not here to party" - drug sniffing dog
friendly reminder for you to not
People whose online dating bios say they drink socially have driven their car into someone's house.