When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."

Ann Coulter and Donald Trump sitting in a tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

It's so hot outside the guy across the street's balls are sticking to MY leg.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

"There are no words." - Early review of my book I haven't started.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I always have trouble remembering movie titles. I'm like Guy Pearce's character in Mentos.

People whose online dating bios say they drink socially have driven their car into someone's house.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."

I regularly call Ke$ha "Ketchup" without anyone noticing.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

I wanted hospital food at airport prices. Thanks museum cafes!

You've seen one overweight couple in velour jogging suits you've seen the mall.

Jokes don't kill people. People kill jokes.

Music is just math after it's had a few drinks.

I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"

I want to throw parties like the Great Gatsby. Good music, good food, everybody has a blast, no one knows where I am.

Luckily I was holding a bag of chicken cutlets filled with breadcrumbs.

Scrub (n.) a guy who thinks he's fly. (syn. Buster)