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Go green and send wedding reminders via text. It's a quick, convenient way for everyone to remember to Dave-the-date!
RT if anything happened in your neighborhood you know exactly who would get interviewed and later auto-tuned.
I asked this girl who looked like Tracy Chapman if she had a fast car, and she had her security guards remove me from the premises.
I'm broke but it's a good broke.
Weird what gets referred to as a pie. Meat and potato casseroles, pizza, the Pop-Tarts at McDonalds...
It's weird how some people want to be orange.
At this point if you're awake you're no longer a shiftless insomniac but a hard-working family man. Steel cut oats?
Stadium names are too corporate now. Soon will be the musicians who play in them. "Ladies and gentlemen. The Taco Belles!"
Jealous people believe in your success more than you. Thank a hater today.
Comedian . @CollegeHumor . @Witstreamdotcom . Best Tweets of the Year by @HuffPostComedy