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My mother volunteered me as tribute to represent her household at Walmart's Black Friday sale. May the odds be ever in my favor.
If I had a nickel for every free iPad 2 offer I've gotten on Twitter in the last week... well, I could buy myself an iPad 2.
The tables have turned: Now rich white people are trapped in the Superdome without power.
When I hear Romney talk about how Obama voters are dependent on government, I just ignore him, pay my bills from my own wages and move on.
I have renewed hope in America. If this many people can spell Dzhokar Tsarnaev, maybe there's hope for distinguishing between your & you're.
I've always wanted a job where I could take a long weekend off just when the sh*t's hitting the fan, so I'm running for Congress.
In 34 years of urinating, I've never seen anyone holding a laptop at a urinal until today.
Fox is still calling Glee "a phenomenon." That's cute.
FANTASY HEADLINE: Obama takes the stage at the DNC; Promises Amy Poehler and Will Arnett will reconcile; Drops the mic
I'm running for Senate on the platform that my vote is for sale to any lobbyist at any price, just to hear my opponent's attacks.
I just googled "Pinterest" to see what all the fuss is about. My head exploded.
BREAKING: Mississippi exit polls suggest voters had difficult time choosing among women-hating, poor-hating, rich white men.
There's an app you can download to find the location of the nearest Girl Scout Cookie sale. It's basically Grindr for cookies.
FUN FACT: Our last Vice President shot a man in the chest. Our current Vice President is championing sweeping gun control reform.
The downside to Britney quitting X Factor is that now she'll have more time to focus on her music.
The only thing standing between me and total world domination is the whole world. RTs are endorsements. Views expressed are those of everyone I've ever met.