Guys, my dreams are finally coming true. cc:: @okcupid_txt pic.twitter.com/A6xaTynL

Found this gold glitter dildo while cleaning my apartment... Yes, it's been out of the package. No, I never http://t.co/ObEXknSp

I like talking about how hungry I am, what I'm going to eat, how good my food is while I'm eating and poking my food baby when I'm done.

Sometimes I get so mad at how slow my phone is that I want to destroy it with an obscene amount of violence.

New blog post! http://t.co/gr3r6n37 featuring @fharoldpresents @writemeahaiku (More to follow soon!)

"It makes me sad when I push the button on a Coke machine and nothing comes out. It’s soda pressing." - @bradleybeck

PLEASE VOTE FOR MY PHOTOGRAPHY: http://t.co/0gZrFcRE and retweet, if you'd be so kind.

Even though they get in the way and I hate them, my boobs are awesome.

Is that dude with the fake dead girlfriend playing in this game?

"What's the difference between a straight mans mustache and a gay mans mustache?" "The smell." #Thisis40

"My boyfriend's like a trampoline. … I don't have a trampoline."

Hey guys, remember when I said I didn't know whether to vomit or poop or cry? Well, I just got my period sooooo that clears that up.

WHEN IS VOTING OVER? TODAY HAS BEEN AWFUL. VOTERS, YOU HAVE RUINED THE INTERNET.

#IdCapThat @all_lewis @classickace @broookemichelle http://t.co/GGghtbCW

The friend I'm with wont let me dance like Axel Rose even though Paradise City is playing. My dreams are CRUSHED.

I hope everyone continues to post photos of what they got for Valentine's Day.

This must be like what it feels to be poor on Christmas.

McDonald's employee name is Wawa.

Scaredy cat  https://vine.co/v/b0nlbBQM9i3 

Why am I just now finding out about Myrtle Manor on TLC?

I really fucking hate award shows.