So apparently "I don't want to order, I just want to talk" isn't an acceptable approach to a McDonald's drive-thru...

Don't march into my office and accuse me of sexual harassment in the workplace sugar tits

Your non-drinking problem is starting to affect the rest of us.

To all the genuinely nice people out there, I hope life treats you as well as you treat those around you.

My ideal woman? Someone who hates the same things that I hate

I don't care if you're skinny or curvy - just how about don't be a cunt to the opposite group of yourself?

I put the "do-able" in "adorable"

My Mum is reading 50 Shades and my Dad has worn out the pause button watching women's volleyball...and you wonder where I get it from...

If the first ever Zombie Porn DVD isn't called 'The Wanking Dead' then somewhere a marketing team needs to be fired

Being on Twitter makes me drink faster because my brain tells me I'm socialising with friends #truestory

I prefer speaking to people face-to-face, so when they talk I can look away and ignore them

You should never have to choose between external beauty and a great personality

It wasn't until I dropped my pants at the start line that I realised I had misunderstood the rules of the three-legged race

Instead of putting up with his shit, find someone who doesn't bring you any

"You know what my daddy used to say?What he used to say, 'get too old to cut the mustard, lick the jar.' I don't know what he meant by that"

What a coincidence!! I like stuff too!!

#hipster http://t.co/oz8AZKz4

I rattle headboards like a sailor on shore leave

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bad manager. Then I realise that the people I manage are fucking retarded

My grocery shopping list starts off sensible but ends up looking as if a 6 year old has scrawled the second half in crayon