Wouldn't it be weird if you met someone from twitter in real life and all they did is say random one-liners every few minutes?

It's amazing how creative you get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half.

Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

I'm having a wet t-shirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing.

It's rather pathetic that the only thing that consistently works on my car is the Check Engine light.

For one brief moment I thought of making my bed.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. The chocolates you gave me, gave me diabetes type 2.

If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

I bet if you work at Tyson Foods sometimes the correct answer to "guess what" really is "chicken butt."

"I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

I'm happy when life hands me lemons. Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.

Yes Starbucks, I see your tip jar, but frankly, after I've paid five bucks for a latte, I'm thinking the tip is probably included.

My boyfriend told me 'a blowjob a day keeps the doctor away.' For Christmas I'm getting him better medical coverage.

I ate my weight in goldfish crackers. I'm hoping to poop a shark.

I feel as useless as a Kardashian sister's library card.

You know you're old, when you want to check out the new Beavis and Butthead, but have no idea where MTV can be found on your program guide.

Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?

Parenthood teaches us that "Blue's Clues" and "Booze Cruise" sound alike for a reason.