Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

I'd make a terrible detective or scientist, because for me, "shit happens" is answer enough 90% of the time.

Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.

Twitter has made me a little touchy about zombies. Now I'm explaining to the cops that I took a shot at the neighbor because he was limping.

Woke up to a dog in bed with me, but it's not one of mine. Somebody left the door open. This is exactly how I met my first wife.

Handing out free Nike t-shirts at the suicide prevention center might not have been the best idea.

For rednecks, heaven is the 15 months between getting their driver's license and becoming a parent.

I'm just high enough to eat this leftover pork chop that the dog won't touch...but I know him...he'll change his mind when I puke it up.

So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

Eggs, the original boneless chicken.

A word to the wise is usually targeting the wrong demographic.

It's not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it's the gas can in her other hand.

I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what's wrong with me.

Heaven disapproves of suicides because line cutters are frowned on in the afterlife too.

Thay say Elvis wasted a lot of money, but he sure got his $20 worth out of that Bedazzler.

Waitress called the cops when she heard the wife and I arguing about which kid to sell and which one to BBQ. Goats, officer...we raise goats

What doesn't kill me, wouldn't interest my ex wife at all.

The voices inside my head are so much easier to deal with than those on the outside.

If you can't prove it, I didn't do it. Unless you liked it.