I've been in a Hot Tub Time Machine, but we just called it your mother's vagina.

I told my son to say "Cheese" for a photo. He looked at the lens and screamed , "GORGONZOLA!" in a way that frightened me to my core.

Everything I know, I learned from watching Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I only cry when I'm happy. And when someone donkeypunches me.

Listen lady, the size of my cock is an elephant... IRRELEVANT... I meant irrelevant!

The day Chad discovered the reason behind Grandma taking out her teeth at night was also the day Chad discovered why Grandpa smiled so much.

Would more women feel oral sex wasn't such a chore if we referred to it as a "blowfun"?

Everytime a young musician dies as a result of drugs and/or alcohol, I picture Motorhead's Lemmy, sitting in a bar, laughing his ass off.

Billy Idol dances by himself, Bruce Springsteen dances in the dark and Phil Collins can't dance. Where's Whitney Houston when you need her?

So there's only one record label now, right?

I had a dream that Carrot Top was immortal. No wait... I had a nightmare that Carrot Top was immortal.

You know you're getting old when you argue about House of Pain lyrics with a 25 year old call girl.

Turns out that when someone says "I am on FIRE today!", they don't want you to urinate on their left leg.

I try not to judge anyone based on they way they look... except for the Cyrus family. They just look fucking retarded.

I may be stupid but at least I don't... Nope. I got nuthen.

Assuming makes an ass out of you and an ass out of the entire Ming Dynasty.

If it weren't for hipsters, hipsters wouldn't have any friends at all.

Business Idea: Start a chain of Star Wars-themed esthetic salons specialising in Hanscaping.

I'm retweeting myself so often that I think I just ejaculated into my mouth a little.

Honk if you love Jesus & su Dos Hermanos landscaping.