it's just a balloon filled with vinegar douchebag

I'm so fucking rich that I toss the Q-tip into the trash right after I use it. After only one use!

In the future, you won't want to look black and say "I should've ate more crackers"

the new cleaning lady is awesome. She makes the whole house smell like pussy.

I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I bought the protection plan on my new office chair from Staples.

My 'swagger' consists of stubbing my toe as I enter a room #vanilla

stop hiding behind the panties you pussy

I'm so fucking rich that when my underwear is no longer "wearable" I just throw it away instead of cutting it into a hand towel for guests

I have a confession. I robbed a bank two years ago and never got caught. I'm open to questions.

btw, I still have the pen.

There're some really sexy scenes in Black Swan. ...like the times she threw up & when she ripped the skin off her finger - btw spoiler alert

I'm not absolutely positive, but an actual fuckwad probably smells even worse than I do.

mother fuckers dig milfs

I've been playing with the Twitter for years but I think I finally found its g-spot

why'd I get stuck next to this douche making baby talk to his kid and why would he bring a baby here?

- guy at the next table probably

If every guy who has an old photo of himself in women's clothes was forced to resign from their job, I'd be out of a job.

Facebook is a tool.

I'm only 808 away from reaching 1000 followers. c'mon folks - tap me over the edge.

The hacker who stole nude pics of Scarlet Johansson has been arrested. You know there'll be high fives in the holding cell tonight.

So you've got a vagina and I don't. Rub it in my face why don't ya?

No really, why don't ya?

...most of those folks are funny but one is just sort of creepy. I'm not mentioning names.