a lot of 3 zone transfers will be expiring in a holding cell tonight...

Watched a guy struggle for 10 mins to put his dreads in a ponytail so he could get his fedora on...

The first human centipede was just a party at Elton John's house

Did you know if you say "shandyman" 3 times in the mirror, Remy Shand will appear and sing you to death?

Tom Whalen, America's first Twitter baby

Tonight at work I asked a guy where he wanted to sit & he said "this is my feng shui zone" & pulled a crystal out & rubbed it. Not joking

Spent 20 mins checking out a dude who ended up riding away on a fucking UNICYCLE.

Someone just glared at me for smoking on the street so I told them to move to Vancouver

Big sale on pussy tuxedos at la senza. Perfect for any formal occasion

Imagine if you took a giant dump out of your front and it was screaming and then it started calling you mom?

"we're all sad garbage" @empathymom

Being obsessed with health and wanting to die is a weird, confusing combo

I just counseled someone I work with into giving his gf a rim job for vday

@suckingface i'm a fucking cobra commander

Hell is other people's cologne

Is murder still illegal?

Patrick Bateman morning routine in full effect

EATING FOOD IS NOT A HOBBY #foodies

I have the murderous rage

A man showed me his herpes and asked me on a date when I was on a smoke break at work :(