Anyone who says having a child was the best moment of their life has obviously never had 2 bags of chips fall out of the vending machine

A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $75

I wish my nipples were as sensitive as my Facebook friends

You are all someone's reason to masturbate

If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

I'm would make a horrid trophy wife. I'm more of a thanks for trying ribbon wife

I masturbated to the thought of you masturbating to the thought of me

This is by far your most fucked up idea ever.....I'll be there in 10 minutes

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back over to your side

Save a lollipop, suck a dick

Every time you make a typo the errorists win

I want MTV to put in a show called "16 and working hard to graduate so I can get a job and not suck the tit of the system"

My legs would make a lovely necklace

That was not a fart. That was my ass blowing you kisses

Technically, now that we are together, it's "our" penis.

I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

If my jokes offend you:
1) I'm sorry
2) It won't happen again
3) Number 1 and 2 are lies
4) You're a pussy

I only rap caucasianally

If you insist on being closed minded then be closed mouthed as well