I'm so glad I haven't expelled a baby from my vagina.

Because my cat is the best thing ever and my hoo-hah can still crack walnuts.

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose husband is an idiot.

I don't know why people think Lady Gaga is unattractive.

He is very good-looking.

If anger was diamonds, I'd be really sparkly. And rich. Filthy rich. Filthy sparkly rich.

I'm trapped on a subway. It's getting dark.

If I don't make it, tell my husband I wished he made more money.

Chicago saw my husband dance.

It's like looking directly at the sun.

A really awkward sun.

One of the challenges of being a girl is how much harder it is to write your name in the snow.

If I was stuck on a desert island, I'd want you with me.

You look meaty.

Happy Birthday, America! You are the loud, full-figured, gun-toting big sister Canada always wanted.

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person. And sometimes I wish for laser eyes to fry my enemies.

I'm complicated.

My favorite fairytale princess is Snow White.

The way she conned those dwarfs to into supporting her without sex... genius.

[Lights a cigarette. Inhales deeply.]

Was it good for you, America?

This was a can't-remember-if-I-put-on-deodorant-so-I-rub-my-fingers-under-my-armpits-and-sniff-them-but-my-coworkers-see-me kind of day.

My cat just bitchslapped me.

I'm going to punish him with kisses on his widdle belly!

Ow. Again.

Bitch.

My husband called me unconventionally beautiful.

I called him conventionally stupid.

God. It feels like I've been stuck in this marriage forever.

Oops. Did I say "marriage"? I meant traffic.

I wish my husband looked at me the way he looks at food.

My husband said, "I love you". So I gave him a fist bump.

Who says romance is dead?

I'm not saying the Christmas party I went to tonight was too early, but God was in the corner hitting on the Virgin Mary.

Me: "Look honey! The most important person just starred your tweet. See?"
Husband: "@fireland?"
Me: "I hate you."