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My husband’s last fart was so epic, Peter Jackson split it into three parts.
I'm so glad I haven't expelled a baby from my vagina.
Because my cat is the best thing ever and my hoo-hah can still crack walnuts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose husband is an idiot.
I don't know why people think Lady Gaga is unattractive.
He is very good-looking.
If anger was diamonds, I'd be really sparkly. And rich. Filthy rich. Filthy sparkly rich.
I'm trapped on a subway. It's getting dark.
If I don't make it, tell my husband I wished he made more money.
Chicago saw my husband dance.
It's like looking directly at the sun.
A really awkward sun.
One of the challenges of being a girl is how much harder it is to write your name in the snow.
If I was stuck on a desert island, I'd want you with me.
You look meaty.
Happy Birthday, America! You are the loud, full-figured, gun-toting big sister Canada always wanted.
Sometimes I wish I could be a better person. And sometimes I wish for laser eyes to fry my enemies.
My favorite fairytale princess is Snow White.
The way she conned those dwarfs to into supporting her without sex... genius.
[Lights a cigarette. Inhales deeply.]
Was it good for you, America?
I wish my husband looked at me the way he looks at food.
This was a can't-remember-if-I-put-on-deodorant-so-I-rub-my-fingers-under-my-armpits-and-sniff-them-but-my-coworkers-see-me kind of day.
God. It feels like I've been stuck in this marriage forever.
Oops. Did I say "marriage"? I meant traffic.
My cat just bitchslapped me.
I'm going to punish him with kisses on his widdle belly!
My husband called me unconventionally beautiful.
I called him conventionally stupid.
My husband said, "I love you". So I gave him a fist bump.
Who says romance is dead?
I'm not saying the Christmas party I went to tonight was too early, but God was in the corner hitting on the Virgin Mary.