Billy Dee Williams has been simply masterful at distracting us from realizing his real name is William Williams.

Saw a stupid hipster in the park with his poor-boy cap and his thrift store clothes and his walker and his wife of 55 years.

COOL ENDZONE DANCE: Plant a tree, allow to grow, return as an old man, taste of tree's fruit, die underneath it.

You'd think by now the ocean would just be full of dramatically flung lockets.

Wanna know where we are as a society? You will always make the effort to spell Ke$ha with a "$" because you don't want to appear dumb.

I wonder if Father's Day has ever cheated on Mother's Day with Administrative Assistant's Day.

When I go running I like to keep my hands on my hips the entire time. I call it a "Bossyjog."

When I hear the word "platitude" I picture a platypus with sunglasses and then both my grandfathers punch me from the grave.

It would suck to rescue 10 people from a house fire only to look down and realize your dick was hanging out the whole time.

There's a direct correlation between chin-up bars and vengeance.

Accidentally called out my ex-main man's name during a high five.

I'm an old fashioned guy. I send my dick picture to a girl's father for approval first.

Leave it to ignorant Americans to completely misunderstand a traditional Italian Sideways Cruise.

Don't pop a crouch and overlook a city when you're on top of a gargoyle. That shit is redundant.

It would be freaky to see a mechanic slide out from under your car only to reveal the top half of his body is also legs.

Trying to fold my girlfriend's laundry reminds me how most women's clothes aren't even things.

Just as the child saw the egg, it exploded in a loud BOOM. She cowered, turning to me as I blew the smoke from my gun. "The hunt is on."

It would be cool if an NFL pile was broken up and the ball carrier was gone and never heard from again.

The only thing I learned from The Departed is that Mark Wahlberg really hates it when you surprise him before he's done steaming your carpet

When I enter a URL in all caps lock that website better know I'm fucking there to party.