People who list "Sarcasm" as one of their languages on Facebook will know what I mean when I say HAHAHA GOOD JOKE, GUYS

How much of debate prep is just learning how to repress your WTF-face

If I could send an "I'm Sorry" e-card to every stranger I've ever given driving directions to, I would.

Gotye and Kimbra are also the names of the lovers in my Lion King fanfic

Do we hate Tobey Maguire? Or do we hate that little bit of Tobey Maguire we see in ourselves?

I just want a Pope where like, if "Spice Up Your Life" came on we'd kind of glance at each other and roll our eyes, but then end up dancing

Is That Ass the most influential figure in hip-hop history?

IF IT'S A LEGITIMATE GRAPE THE FRUIT WILL PROTECT *ITSELF* FROM FERMENTATION

Windows should change its name to "Orange" so when people are like "I heard Apple is better" they can be like "YOU SHOULDN'T COMPARE US"

If you think Grandma staying at our place kept me from blasting Beyoncé during my morning shower, you must not know 'bout me

If I sit on my hand till it falls asleep it feels like someone *else* is purchasing "Good Time" by Owl City feat. Carly Rae Jepsen

What if we did the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part at a low-key pizza party held BEFORE everyone spent money on the wedding?

If we were on a dinner date and you DIDN'T grab two fistfuls of candy on the way out I'd be like, "umm wow, sorry, this isn't working out"

My job is basically a high school movie where the popular girls whispering behind my back are played by male, middle-aged Hispanic cooks.

All magazine diet tips basically boil down to "Ruin a waiter's day."

After a certain number of years, calling your wife "my beautiful bride" stops being sweet and starts sounding reeeal ritual-sacrificey.

Sometimes I feel like the Universe is only keeping me around so it can kill me off in an epic 2-hour season finale

I can't believe we were ever lame enough AND cool enough to embrace The Golden Girls

If Taylor Swift doesn't end up marrying Zac Efron then what has the last decade even been about?

I've come a long way since back when all my "Followers" were FLIES!!! (Rips off mask, reveals self to be Pig-Pen from Peanuts, now sexy)