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  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    Do we hate Tobey Maguire? Or do we hate that little bit of Tobey Maguire we see in ourselves?

    • 115
    • FAVS
    Melorso1alwaysgrooovy__divapiecelittlewhitelaiWhisky_FoxtrotbasktballsarahmmBoltzNurseJesy
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    chelseycarzeenacanflyAlastor666________annie_revJSShelleycaseydilla03nickchickownSummermissmoo
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    People who list "Sarcasm" as one of their languages on Facebook will know what I mean when I say HAHAHA GOOD JOKE, GUYS

    • 102
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__nnnductlecanseidissoFredPollackmircon71acmassingillDaMorgue______InconvenienceMe
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Patzen0booomeraangdaniellelahstepawfffavstar1000favscanseidissobrittanyisbogusAsiefD
    AaronFullerton
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    How much of debate prep is just learning how to repress your WTF-face

    • 33
    • FAVS
    uhmandaburnsAaronFullertonValeriePottaearthbornelilykarlinshelleyellyellylauracebulatahneeah
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    AlizaPenningtonAlWasserbergerrgins94katestiSessaAnniechuckles1903______RossannaMariatheolivegal
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    After a certain number of years, calling your wife "my beautiful bride" stops being sweet and starts sounding reeeal ritual-sacrificey.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    cplusaveragehanabaleyJulesinRealitybasktballsarahoneilllomatthewdminerhotforamishrachelleap52
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    Heath9288__ally2272twinkiesandwineAlastor666________austinstormsdemke5jnelson651_suztopia
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    If I could send an "I'm Sorry" e-card to every stranger I've ever given driving directions to, I would.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    HabeasDorkisCrunchyTowelsAaronFullertonvonnegirlableCthunicornadamthislifecarolindurangoFloresIsabella7
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    jomethwye3__Nehlemaboodleblee________a_mandarincarolindurangosabrinanemissmithqjohnsamandaleighxx
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    Gotye and Kimbra are also the names of the lovers in my Lion King fanfic

    • 43
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__librarianfonz____donniNickadooCseashellsSeanBlazediAmJuddyCavedInwards
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    Meli_Rodriguezbutnotferdinand__JoshSaxenevetSBfeltongasm___whoashellmattdoucetteNuggetPop
    LouisPeitzman
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    I just want a Pope where like, if "Spice Up Your Life" came on we'd kind of glance at each other and roll our eyes, but then end up dancing

    • 41
    • FAVS
    jessie_keeganrachelereynoldsPomodoriumaaydohcurlycomedyLADYMACBEATHteamblockporters
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    nattagorskiArielMyrenGinaChareemvitaOliviaaRainelportmesspussy_destr0yrmpopat
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    Is That Ass the most influential figure in hip-hop history?

    • 37
    • FAVS
    librarianfonz____donniDanteEvilCatNickadooCseashellsWhatavictorTheFroyoMonster__OhNoSheTwitnt
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    mattwhitlockPMbison_homesdhousingtonLil__Rachet______Leslie_Kaye1ItsLanaMayneconfusedlush______slimmchic
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    IF IT'S A LEGITIMATE GRAPE THE FRUIT WILL PROTECT *ITSELF* FROM FERMENTATION

    • 21
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__brittriedingerlibrarianfonz____hayleyasnowHypercaneXmstalllHenks240BrittanyLauren5
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    JuliaNew2AustinmichaelCHUBBSKello64KennethpwhirlCcHhAaRrLlEeS____LockhavenSpell_GMisterDirection
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    Windows should change its name to "Orange" so when people are like "I heard Apple is better" they can be like "YOU SHOULDN'T COMPARE US"

    • 25
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__MelodyMahonyspunkleeebenicus_rexaliciamichaTheSpecialK76dontshoothoopsSethIsUp2NoGood
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    EmaJay91ColleeeennnnextracaitCassieVUMissJoyMongeraliciamichaerat____________rindonesia
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    If you think Grandma staying at our place kept me from blasting Beyoncé during my morning shower, you must not know 'bout me

    • 27
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__jddowneyNickadooCseashellsChelseaBondiMurseBrianRNHellasPlanitiaBrittanyLauren5
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    mattwhitlockPMsrectenwaldmetronyc__________favstar_popcparker2222The_PuckBeforeShotpreskatsu54
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    If I sit on my hand till it falls asleep it feels like someone *else* is purchasing "Good Time" by Owl City feat. Carly Rae Jepsen

    • 31
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    ashley_barnhilljennconwaybrownBigMedwardsSeels87LiberalfiberaltherealmikefCbrumski__________kylewild
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    jennifer_merielerica_rosiehaleyloweSenatorTheoBrandogramspanic_kyle
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    What if we did the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part at a low-key pizza party held BEFORE everyone spent money on the wedding?

    • 26
    • FAVS
    HabeasDorkisNotKarmaCelebrityChezBrandogramsjddowneyTotAlyReAlErikEisemancschleichsrun
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    TotAlyReAlcschleichsrunBitchlessBrideJennieGandySintongGaspariLenny_Piercebritt_flowerspjlynch
    AaronFullerton
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    If we were on a dinner date and you DIDN'T grab two fistfuls of candy on the way out I'd be like, "umm wow, sorry, this isn't working out"

    • 24
    • FAVS
    AaronFullertonjddowneyDanteEvilCatNickadooniazmvlikElifcelloDuanevDUglyPrick________
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    SweetBrotherDanPeachCoffintastinroundtownRestaurant_comstalkcabolaurenkesterCarlaSwaynerachelrlunger
    PeachCoffin
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    My job is basically a high school movie where the popular girls whispering behind my back are played by male, middle-aged Hispanic cooks.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    sulkywhitegirl__AaronFullertonDanteEvilCatNickadooPeachCoffinOhNoSheTwitntSeanBlazediAmJuddy
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    jwil83toshcyoungbilandersondcLouisPeitzman
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    Sometimes I feel like the Universe is only keeping me around so it can kill me off in an epic 2-hour season finale

    • 19
    • FAVS
    AaronFullertontimisnuts_Karmakazijeff_ratfamily____SlipCarefullyDanteEvilCatSeanBlazediAmJuddy
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    _KarmakaziymisalchichaDanteEvilCatCavedInwardsterahbytes
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    I can't believe we were ever lame enough AND cool enough to embrace The Golden Girls

    • 16
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    DanteEvilCatNickadooPeachCoffinMurseBrianRNbrookswithsOhNoSheTwitntlaurs_eYatyara
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    a_carritfavstar_popsittaurusJenMcIllwainDJRoberts84LouisPeitzman
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    If you want to understand modern racial tensions in America, ask a young white person to summarize The Proud Family.

    • 13
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    kathygeissNBCGirl_BJude_Josh__americasbestSDkaileythompson____BrandogramssamlanskyLouisPeitzman
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    kathygeissNBCbrenda_blahPauleyPocket9Jude_Josh__SweetBrotherDan
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    I live for watching people start to say something and then get cut off and then wait to say it again but now less confidently

    • 16
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    tinamcarrollyanehowardfaye_ndsBrandogramsjddowneycschleichsrunDanteEvilCatTyCutt
    • 2
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    medici1973yanehoward
  • dan_milliken
      Dan Milliken @dan_milliken

    "Colonel Derek! It makes me insecure when you lavish attention on Lieutenant Karen, sir! Officer Ellis, why are you here?" - S*M*A*S*H

    • 16
    • FAVS
    DanteEvilCatNickadooiAmJuddyMarchingDropoutjenhasgreathairkelleenytedbossesdarcydick
    • 2
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    LouisPeitzmanstephenXcore
@dan_milliken

@dan_milliken

Writer, improviser, gentle goon