No one unfollows me. Am I doing something wrong?

You know it's been a good night when you go out with a bottle of Vodka & come back with a kitten.

If it doesn't look like a shotgun wound down there when I'm done with you, then I never loved you.

My other tweet's a Porsche

Anyone else remember when just normal porn was enough to get you off?

I see the natural look is 'in'. Pubes, that is

So, Twitter have stored & sold the past two years of tweets to advertisers. What the fuck are they going to try & sell me? Lube?

"Who the fuck are you, & why are you in my kitchen". --- Pretty much every girl I've met recently

Heroin. Because fuck teeth.

The way to a mans heart, if done correctly, is through his anus.

I cannot fucking wait for the rapture. Can you imagine the fun we're gonna have once those cunts have gone?

I actually tweet better tweets with my cock in my hand.

Apparently, spitting in someone's face on the street just cos they don't follow you on Twitter is a big no no round here.

Turns out sperm is a great glass cleaner. Who knew?

Why is #AnalRape trending? Sadly, it's not. But could you imagine??

I only shit myself in expensive Italian designer suits 'cos I'm classy like that.

It was I who fucked the monkey that has AIDS

Just named my new cat Nipples.

Inspiration is fucking a dead hooker. Genius is tweeting you as I do it.

I can fart the alphabet.