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Of course you don't see many female terrorists. Who wants to be stuck with 72 male virgins?
Fried my DVD player with a huge static electricity spark today. Now scared to go near my vibrator.
Parent tip #37: When popping the heads off your kid's dolls to empty out bathwater, it is best to warn your child first what you are doing.
It's gonna be fun when we're all senile in the nursing home, spouting out random tweets from decades earlier. Those poor nurses.
Met a redhead named Ginger yesterday. Felt guilty every time I called her by name, but not enough to stop me from snickering when I did it.
Me, to 21yo coworker: You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, are you? Her: What's a chandelier?
The girl decided to cut her own hair today. This would be a total FB post if it hadn't happened while I was rubbing one out in the shower.
My kid claps just far enough off the beat of the music to make me want to drive the car into the side of a building.
I just spent time with other people and actually enjoyed it. What the hell?
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
My vibrator broke so I'm gonna MacGyver a new one. I need a cucumber, an Allen key, an electric toothbrush, and a rubber band.
Big lady in front of me has a Tweety Bird tattoo. She must have got it when she was thinner - poor Tweety looks like he has a gland problem.
You know that one kid in your class who was first to learn where babies come from & told all the others? Apparently my daughter is that kid.
Just whipped up a big batch of brownies! Or as I like to call them, "feelings."
Home alone watching dp porn. Does that make it twice as pathetic?
Hub took a video of me sleeping to prove I snore. I took a picture of the couch to show him where he can sleep from now on.
Sewing labels into all my clothing in case I'm found dead - "Please delete data from all electronic devices before contacting next of kin."
I'm about 5 pounds away from becoming a never-nude.
Crazy sore throat. Would sooner die than swallow. Which is so unlike me...
Just explained to the husband what "DTF" means and now I'm not allowed to play with you guys anymore.
Former librarian turned evil genius. My talents include folding fitted sheets and parallel parking. Lover of naps.