Draw me like one of your French Stewarts.

Being cool is the best revenge.

When I was a little girl, I would go outside and kill flies with a fly swatter. I thought I was helping the world.

Oh nothing, just thinking about every stupid thing I've ever said in a conversation. What you up to?

The girl that cries every day called in sick. I am working alone in this busy cafe. Now I am the girl that cries.

If someone ever makes a statue of me, please wipe any bird shit off of my face.

Today someone posted a YouTube clip of a kitten just standing around, and it aleady has a million views! (All from me.)

All my co-worker wants to talk about today is her pregnant body. All I want to talk about is Batman.

I always get the nicest texts from friends! Followed by a text explaining that those texts weren't meant for me.

I like the "women and children first" rule because I am one of those things.

All I hope for today is that I don't have to sit near the penis graffiti on my lunch break, like yesterday.

Why does September (my birth month) always have the shittiest picture in every calender? Boo you stupid pony picture! You are the worst!

I just chest bumped the door to open it. Coffee makes me go badass.

I'm in constant competition with people who have no idea we're competing.

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a million candy bars. And as I ate them, I'd think back to when I was a millionaire.

Going to to meet up with my friend soon to see the baby that slid out of her.

I think I'm dying on the inside. The outside still seems fine.

Today someone called me a "stupid American". Ahem, it's "stupid person" thankyouverymuch.

I was on Ripley's Believe It or Not for using a tube of Chapstick from start to finish without losing it.

How does an 8oz glass of water equal a million liters of pee? The human body is a mystery to me.