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The most stressful thing to me about Breaking Bad is the number of bald heads getting prolonged exposure to direct sunlight. #spf #besafe
Hobby Lobby website's got 50% off wicker products if you need a basket to drop off your unwanted baby somewhere.
IF YOU ARE A CAT OR DOG WITH CRISPY THINGS IN YOUR EYES LET ME GET THEM FOR YOU I LOVE YOU
It hasn't occurred to Geraldo that Trayvon Martin probably wouldn't have been shot if George Zimmerman's hand wasn't wearing a gun.
"Is the Internet arguing enough? Some experts say no. Still, others say 'You know who else said no? The Nazis, you piece of shit.'"
Imagine, if you can, a Rite Aid with its shit together.
Two guys arguing in front of 7-11 and I want to chime in with "Sorry, Mouthful of Pizza, but Jumbo Jean Shorts is right."
The answer to "Payphones?! Who uses those anymore?!" is always poor people, you dick.
Romney not ready to concede? Don't worry. He'll change his position on that too.
Mubarak sees shadow; six more weeks of revolution.
If someone gives you guff for checking your texts, shush them by shouting THE BEACONS ARE LIT GONDOR CALLS FOR AID and bust out.
Is Facebook better than "What ever happened to that guy?"
Let's allow Pat Sajak his opinion. After all, he's a climate scientist. Hold on, I'm being told he's human television furniture. Never mind.
No big deal, Twitter, but periods and commas go inside the quotation marks and it's '80s not 80's, DVDs not DVD's. Keep up the good work!
Got a company-wide email announcing a co-worker's baby. In this situation, what would a normal person feel?
If Kevorkian's death is ironic, then the only thing that has died is what words mean.
Years from now when they ask me what the Internet was like I'll say it was looking at Miley Cyrus photos whether you wanted to or not.
Helped an old lady cross the street. Then I took her face in my hands and said, "Earn this."
Just figured out this thing in my bath tub is a soap dish and not a "cocktail shelf."
Eating tuna and the cat's face is all YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW I LOVE TUNA.
If someone likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. If a lot of people like me, now we're getting somewhere.