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The most stressful thing to me about Breaking Bad is the number of bald heads getting prolonged exposure to direct sunlight. #spf #besafe
Two guys arguing in front of 7-11 and I want to chime in with "Sorry, Mouthful of Pizza, but Jumbo Jean Shorts is right."
Just figured out this thing in my bath tub is a soap dish and not a "cocktail shelf."
No big deal, Twitter, but periods and commas go inside the quotation marks and it's '80s not 80's, DVDs not DVD's. Keep up the good work!
Mubarak sees shadow; six more weeks of revolution.
Is Facebook better than "What ever happened to that guy?"
Helped an old lady cross the street. Then I took her face in my hands and said, "Earn this."
Eating tuna and the cat's face is all YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW I LOVE TUNA.
If someone gives you guff for checking your texts, shush them by shouting THE BEACONS ARE LIT GONDOR CALLS FOR AID and bust out.
Want a vacation where you have to fuck quietly and then talk to old people in the morning about lingonberries? Bed and Breakfast, son.
You'll get no argument from me, mayonnaise. You WERE best before August 2010.
If Kevorkian's death is ironic, then the only thing that has died is what words mean.
Disney/Pixar keeps pretending the Cars universe isn't a depopulated nightmarescape of unresolvable horrors.
"Steve Carlyle!" --how the stranger next to me at Starbucks, Steve Carlyle, answers his phone
It hasn't occurred to Geraldo that Trayvon Martin probably wouldn't have been shot if George Zimmerman's hand wasn't wearing a gun.
I'd delete my Facebook account, but there's some shaky marriages I'm keeping an eye on.
Wells Fargo is "testing" a new monthly debit card fee. They want to see if making millions of dollars for doing nothing is a good idea.
If your band's website automatically plays music at me when the page loads, I wish on you 1,000 Yokos.
Hate callous tweets about the recently dead AND self-righteous scolding? AND tweets like the one I'm doing now? WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO HERE
Anne Hathaway seems fine to me. That's the extent of my opinion because I have a wide range of interests and I'm kind of busy.
If someone likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. If a lot of people like me, now we're getting somewhere.