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Rubbing my cat's face to some Spanish classical violin music during a Brooklyn thunderstorm.
Went to a wedding today which means I've just forgotten 50 people's names.
At a truck stop in Idaho. I am the only person here not buying 30 lottery tickets.
I've watched more Charlie Rose drunk than anyone. Even Alec Baldwin.
I get through KFC commercials by imagining flies swarming the juicy eyeballs of the actors' corpses while their mothers weep.
I think I speak for everyone when I say thank goodness I'm not at Comic-Con.
I finally got pumped for Fifty Shades of Grey when I heard the "inner goddess" is going to be an animated cricket.
I quit Facebook because not owning a TV wasn't driving people crazy like it used to.
I'm never the craziest person in my therapist's waiting room but sometimes I'm the sweatiest.
Batman Day is a sham created by the bat-companies to sell more bat-things.
I still have Ace of Base stuck in my head from when it was my sister's turn to play music on a road trip in 1993.
I'm tired of the news. If you need me I'll be watching old Popeye cartoons.
🎵All I want to do/is have some sleep/I've got a feelin'/meep meep meep meep meep meep🎵
If someone likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. If a lot of people like me, now we're getting somewhere.