Watching muted network TV at a bar. Seems it's all beautiful dumdums ludicrously pretending to have a job that requires a real degree.

Thanks for scanning in your shitty old snapshots today! #tbt

Never look into the Ark of the Covenant or anything Michelle Malkin says. #tcot

I remember when I was like oh this is Macklemore I've heard of this I should give it a cha--nope this is fucking lame people are nuts.

Hold on, there's something crispy in my cat's eye and I have to deal with this because I live for these moments.

@brittneyg Send me a postcard!

You should do something nice for someone today. I'm not gonna do it, but you should.

Reading a book about accepting my sense of personal emptiness or what I'm calling my inner-Wolf Blitzer.

I'd like to be more interesting.

I'm looking forward to getting around to the stuff I'd like to do someday. *dies*

I refuse to watch the video of the dog found safe after the tornado because YES I AM THAT FRAGILE

If I hate to dance, is Windows 8 still right for me? #windows8questions

I wonder if Windows 8 is as fun as they say.

Betcha I can't get through the summer without getting watermelons stuck on my feet.

"What a great party!" --first line of a sketch

Can't sleep. Watching a thing about the Dust Bowl. Turns out it was real shitty.

As hard as it tries Twitter cannot shut the fuck up about Mad Men.

If you care about the Billboard Awards then show business has won.

Drinking at a bar on Sunday evening in my late thirties = mustn't overdo it and forget I need to buy a cutting board to prepare kale later.

If I have to lighten up to enjoy the new Star Trek movies then boy do I have news for you.