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Now that I use an app to read articles later, I never read anything.
Republican cretin: I wish a malignant homunculus would run for president.
Scott Walker: (materializing in farty puff of smoke) Yes-s-s-s...
Will Scott Walker run for president? Is America ready for a leader with a face like a wet turd?
I've switched to paying attention to international news. Foreign violence and stupidity has an exotic flavor that I crrrrrave.
This is a screencap of my tweet posted to Tumblr, isn't it? You know I don't see those likes, right?
"Hi! Wanna subscribe to our newsletter?" --A website one second into my first visit
Giving up on my dream to be a beloved marketing executive.
Why doesn't that secret million dollar UFO cult with a history of intimidation, brainwashing and death want a documentary made about it?
I never asked to see your skills. I want to see your SKILLZ.
Actually, bass and treble are both important.
I was settling in to read before bed and son of a gun how did I end up back on this damned thing?
What if me and my cat lived on a boat. Well, goodnight.
Broadchurch is the best show about feeling mopey and still going to work.
I used to hate licorice but now I kind of like it so don't lecture me about blowing open the doors of perception, hippie.
Sorry, when you said "I should have a parental right to ask questions about the toxins put into my child" I heard "I'm a fucking moron."
If someone likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. If a lot of people like me, now we're getting somewhere.
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