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I do not own a gun. The number of people I could shoot today is zero.
You're already over people posting pictures of a SPACESHIP? What the hell is wrong with you? Lighten the hell up. Enjoy something.
Pretending to be a giant bird picking up my cat's belly with my scaly talons and she's like OH NO LOL
"There's more of rave than grave about you, spirit!" --my week-late Dickensian 2Pac hologram joke
Even I don't get some of my tweets.
I'm a dedicated Moleskin away from being the kind of dweeb who keeps a record of the different kind of birds he sees in a day.
People who retweet congratulatory notices from Favstar, bravo to you.
Tennessee Senate passes teaching creationism in schools. Next up: teaching kids how to say "yes sir" in Hindi and Chinese.
Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey are the Cracked and Mad magazines of famous female primatologists.
I know I seem highfalutin but the funniest thing I've ever seen was an improv team name on a poster years ago. That name was "Fart City."
My cat is always looking at me expectingly and yet she hates the hats I make for her. WHAT DO YOU WANT CAT
"Tiny hitch. We have plenty of shrimp, but the only clean dishes we've got are these goblets." --birth of the shrimp cocktail
Helped an old lady cross the street. Then I took her face in my hands and said, "Earn this."
If Kevorkian's death is ironic, then the only thing that has died is what words mean.
When does The Beatles' Wait come out on Tambourine Hero?
Life is what happens when you watch Wheel of Fortune waiting for Jeopardy.
No historical documentary has sufficiently answered the question YES BUT WHY THE WIGS
GUARANTEED ICE BREAKER: "Hey, they ever shot a porno in here?"
I'd pay real money to see Pat Robertson die falling down some stairs.
If someone likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. If a lot of people like me, now we're getting somewhere.