Also is #yolo so over that it's cool again? Hope so because I just used it and I don't want my klout score to go down.

@jukeboxbucks chillwaves of your waterbed?!? That's amazing!

Met a guy at a bar tonight who didn't like Daria. I immediately walked away #badnews

Note to self: the fancier the restaurant is, the less tortellini they give you.

There is something so desperate, yet so therapeutic, about jamming a broom on my ceiling to make stompy shut up. Gotta do what ya gotta do.

@jukeboxbucks i'm still pretending it is. they can't stop me!!

Honestly I don't mind the whole gender gap in salaries as long as a man offers to buy my drink(s) #realtalk

I know you think you've got it all figured out because you wear black and know how to use google but...

JK the neighbors win. I can't deal with that much metallica.

Also, new blog idea: corgis that look like Zach Braff.

Is it just me or does this corgi look like Zach Braff? http://t.co/h6GLzIuS

I just bought shoes and justified them by reasoning that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or I could enjoy my new boots tonight.

If I can successfully shazam something that is playing from your car, then it is too loud.

Just got a Wetzel's pretzel. No need for Xanax anymore everything will be ok.

Quick q: is there an Americatown in china?

Pretty fly for a wifi

OMG I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS SPONGEBOB! THIS IS SO MAJOR!!!

"If only I had checked myself" -guy who wrecked himself

I think the toilets at MGM should make more of a lion roar noise than a flush. Just saying, it's all about branding!

Why the eff is my neighbor vacuuming right now? Doesn't he know I have a big day tomorrow?!?