i plan on having a toy story kinda weekend. gonna get me a buzz and a woody

Isn't Kobe just a type of overpriced meat?

whenever I have free time, it always ends up being costly.

don't let your affection become an infection, use some protection on your erection

does running away from your problems count as exercising?

maybe just once someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene'

I like to sugarcoat my words because I know I'm gonna end up eating them.

without nipples, boobs would be pointless

usually an old man with a white beard walking around in long johns is homeless or a child molester. but in december he's fucking magical.

the answer may not always lie at the bottom of the bottle, but I always like to check.

No one writes good stories for children anymore like where the kids get thrown in ovens and eaten for not listening.

I call my weed Koran, because burning that shit will get you stoned.

Panera please

I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone. Everyone knows the black one runs faster.

Dr.Phil is so obnoxious. This is the first time in my life I've hated a bald pussy.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I can't tell when I'm joking.

Its easy to lose your train of thought when the tracks don't even lead to the station.

oral sex makes my whole day. anal sex makes your hole weak.

I lay my sarcasm on so thick its like a wool blanket. I also included an example of a simile.