You guys have no idea how much pressure there is to be funny for absolutely free with no obligation on the Internet all the time.

I wish I was dead/owned a spaceship.

I saw on Facebook that you are using Spotify to listen to Elliott Smith. Are you okay?

just murdered a butterfly because theres no way i won't be the most beautiful thing sitting on crates behind this dumpster.

I read a lot. I'm a reader, yes. Not because I enjoy reading but because most people don't. What I do enjoy, is being smug. Thank you.

I can't wait to get home and complain about the name of Beyonce's baby with my cat, Scott.

Just a reminder that you don't have to tell Twitter goodnight. You can just stop talking.

Jason Collins is not a hero. Now, Joe Paterno, that was a hero.

Had that dream again where I've mastered tae kwon do and electric guitar in front of all my ex-girlfriends.

10 years ago we had Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Ding Dongs. Now we have Obama we've got no twinks, no dongs, and no hos.

Don't just vote based on party affiliation. Do your research and vote for the guy your favorite comedian likes.

I saw a police car getting towed and I am rock hard.

I wouldn't say I worship the Devil. Sure, I dig some of his work but that's about it.

Oh my god, I have an idea for a tv show: “Kourtney and Khloe Take Kim’s Baby”

Wish I could throw sticks to dogs on the moon but that's too farfetched. *boom. gets 10,000 new followers and invited to witstream*

#MyPerfectDate my mom put me in the dryer when i was 4 and convinced me it was only a dream but sometimes i'm not all that sure…

Sometimes I wonder if we actually live pretty comfortable lives and maybe some of us are just exaggerating.

New Year's Eve Party Idea: Adults desperately clinging to youth by drinking too much and vomiting on strangers they intend to have sex with.

"No, Steve. You are a middle aged man on steroids and driving a jeep. You cannot have ice cream or wordplay." Stone Cold passing Cold Stone.

the hans zimmer batman score playing as i attempt to blow this raisin outta my nose.