One mans twitter crush is another mans nagging wife, probably.

Never take anyone for granted....

Especially that one motherfucker that actually gets you.

Thinking about naming our new puppy Tupac, just so i can say that I'm chillin' with my dog Tupac.

You're so flirty via DM, but when I show up naked and your wife answers, you act like I'm a creepy fucking stalker, what gives?

If her thighs are shaking, consider that a "thank you"

The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

I'm just going to go ahead and follow you around undoing everything you just did.

-kids

This is your vagina (|)

This is Cindy Crawford's vagina (|)•

Any questions?

That's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it.

Unless you're hot......Then, Haaaaay

Hey there, mom jeans. Why the long vagina?

Don't make me go all 'middle name' on your ass

I'm going to take all of my broken vibrator parts and make a giant Voltron

Amazing dads, keep that shit up. You're doing life right.

Since joining Twitter, I have a whole new respect for Canadians.

If only all sex was as good as old 90's r&b songs made you think it was. ...

Is Mexican a color?

Co-worker informed me that her boyfriend calls lesbian sex, "bumping donuts." I believe that's the best reference I've ever heard.

If just thinking about him makes your pussy wet, keep him

Just witnessed a fender bender and didn't stop...then Wendy's shorted me on fries...You people are right, Karma is a fucking bitch

No sweetie, I'm sure he didn't mean to cheat on you that third time. He totally still loves you.