When I am president, a highway sobriety test will not be "ABCs backwards" but merely, "Grate this mozzarella without injuring yourself."

Pretty sure we can blame all the horror in the world on moms who love the color pink and name their kids K names.

@kellyoxford: I would but I'm busy leaving shoes filled with dry ice scattered on sidewalks.

I just spilled wine in a manner that made it fall down my buttcrack. so no, I don't have a problem.

Grown women who dot their "i"s with hearts are probably not human, but an amalgam of watermelon bubble gum and pork byproduct

Just named a file at work "Tom Selleck's Mustache" so everyone knows that it is important, and not to be fucked with.

I hate when bathrooms are labeled "ladies" because i know I have no
Business being there.

Birth control: Because waking up on a Sunday to "MOOOOM I SHARTED IN MY PANTS" is the alternative.

A dude who organizes his porn collection by nipple color is a dude whom I could form a solid friendship with.

Meter maids look exactly like you would expect.

If you enjoy the weight loss benefits of cocaine and don't shout "Succkkeerrrrrs" at every jogger you see, then I am disappointed in you.

Losing my job, not going to law school, gonna be poor - and I feel FANTASTIC. Life looks great! (Shut up, don't measure my wine bottle).

Been on liquid hydrocodone for 2 days so the only clever tweet I have is "My phone is adorable! Happy Easter, elephant! Let's snort cake!"

How come the White House can come up with a plan to catch a terrorist in an hour and my staff meetings are still three fucking hours long?

"Can I have two stickers if I sit on this toilet? Why not? Too bad. I took two stickers" - drunk guy and/or 3 year old.

Kissing a girl who has passed out after pricking herself with a needle should be called "Date Raping a Junkie," not "Sleeping Beauty."

If a girl has to leave your party bc her ride will turn into a pumpkin and her shoes are made of glass, she's on meth, dude.

Someone bring me chooooocooolate. And chiiiiiips. And sooooooda. And David Caruso to come investigate the crime scene.

You guys remember when Miss Piggy used to be named Victoria Jackson and was a SNL cast member?

My 2 year old made a touching commentary on my wine problem by seeing a glass of wine in a magazine ad, and going "MOM!" #shutupbabyglugglug