"Take this bread and eat it, for it is my body" - The Pillsbury Doughboy

My fear of commitment and wolfmen ruined my relationship with the wolfman

This gingerbread house hasn't been a gingerbread home since the murder-suicide.

I bet if you cut Rush Limbaugh open a bunch of diarrhea would pour out but if I'm wrong and it's just blood then that would be okay too

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to suppress the darkness brewing inside of you

Tempurpedic mattresses are perfect for people who want to do a few practice drops before killing their sleeping spouse with a bowling ball

I'm worried that my dog might get hit by a car before I can baptize her

I've been to this palm reader so many times that she knows the front of my hand like the back of her hand.

I am head over heels with vertigo

I hope my family will honor my last wishes and find a cure for death.

if you’re racist and you love basketball, then you love basketball. You love basketball more than I have loved anything in my entire life.

Everytime you enslave a child, a Victoria’s Secret Angel gets its wings.

Dane Cook seems like he would have been annoying as hell to be lab partners with in AP Chemistry

"Connecticut" is an old Native American word for "New Hampshire"

Just finished Catcher in the Rye. Spoiler alert: John Lennon dies in the end.

"damn this library is SWAG AS FUCK" "sir, please leave"

the bungee cord pulls taut and rips the jumper in half, showering spectators with gore. "heh," I say, "first world problems"

woah I found a message board for white supremacist NBA fans

I truly thought he was the one, but that ornery old prospector turned out to be just another gold digger.

people on Tatooine probably called Tusken Raiders "sand-n words" behind closed doors