I love when people freak out about their grandparents being on Facebook. Your grandpa fucked whores in 'Nam. He can handle your party pics.

Girl in front of me at Walgreens is buying fake eyelashes, Star Magazine, Lunchables, & a pregnancy test. Your move, Darwinism.

Teach your children about drugs early, so they don't go off to college and end up being some fucking nerd who can't roll a joint properly.

There are few things in this world sexier than an intellectual equal. With a great ass.

When I'm buying one thing that costs $5 and you ask if I want to save 15% by opening a store credit card, I want to set 100% of you on fire.

Saw a 7yo riding her bike in a pink dress & Darth Vader helmet, and now I'm trying to remember if I gave a kid up for adoption 7 years ago.

The biggest threat to my job security is a boss who walks quietly.

When I take people into my bedroom I say "This is where the magic happens". Because I sawed someone in half there once.

Dear Mom: Sorry I didn't respond to your passive aggressive texts. I was busy Googling 'nursing homes in bad neighborhoods'.

Fun April Fools prank: Invite your friends over to watch The Shining. Then halfway through, cut off the power and murder them with an axe.

Westboro Baptist plans to protest MCA's funeral. Related: I need you guys' help, because these pee balloons aren't gonna fill themselves.

Any time I see girls map out their jogging routes on Facebook, I follow them home and leave seasons of Law and Order: SVU on their doorstep.

Just deleted my Facebook account, because fuck you and your birthday.

I nicknamed his dick "The Scrambler". Because it was a two-minute ride, and I threw up on it once.

The preview for Battleship is so unrealistic. At no point did they secretly move all the ships around while my cousin was in the bathroom.

So glad Glee is back on tonight. Now all my coworkers will have something to talk about while I eat lunch in my car.

My bedroom voice is so sexy that, after we banged, Morgan Freeman asked me to narrate his life.

I'm Italian, I don't have a "one that got away". But I do have a few that haven't been heard from for a while...

Not sure how many of you twitter people actually live around me, but after looking at the sex offender registry I have an educated guess.

If you drag your man to Titanic and he's still with you, congratulations, you've officially broken his spirit. Time to go ring shopping.