Yes it's true ladies, girls with tattoos fuck better.

The best way to get free stuff is to run extremely fast.

Not retweeting is a secret way of saying 'fuck you, you're not getting any of my followers'.

Never underestimate the power of family to fuck up your day.

Do cops always dance outside the door to the music before busting into a party?

So uncomfortable meeting people for the first time when they wake up from the chloroform.

You know when you're really stoned when a banana from the fruit bowl asks you for a hug and you realise he has no arms.

I believe Unicorns were the first to call each other dickheads.

I love you guys. I'd piss on any one of you if you got bitten by an octopus.

The vagina should be eaten at body temperature.

Could you not ignore me while I'm ignoring you please?

Sssh, did you hear that?

Outside..

That's me rubbing my penis on your window.

I always think while I'm running, 'Why don't I just kill myself'.

Love Monday nights, Mrs. is out, I like to relax and sometimes stick my penis between my legs and pretend I'm a lady.

I'm just an average sized penis trying to make it big.

Twitter - the fun way to meet married, over weight, drunk, hairy men.

Ok fine, I didn't even want to wear the pants in this relationship anyway!

Oooh this dress is pretty on me. *twirls*

No I don't want a phone call officer.

I'd like to update my Facebook status to "it's complicated".

Me..
Girlfriend...
Me...
Girlfriend....
Me..
Girlfriend...
Me...
Girlfriend..
Me: You're not real are you?
Imaginary girlfriend: No

Could you shut up please while you're talking to me.